no, i am not a robot

tomorrow morning at about 4am, my little sister will be headed to the airport. she'll be boarding a plane that will take her to miami. she will then board another plane that will take her to haiti where she will be living for the next 4-6 months. i just left her house after saying my goodbyes. i don't like crying. i don't like people knowing that i cry. i'm tough. i put off talking about this day or even thinking about this day until this day came. just so that i didn't cry every time i thought about it. so now you all know. the secret is out. i am crying. and will be crying while i write this entire blog. and then some.
i never got along with jessica. we just didn't. we are very different people and for whatever reason, growing up i did not appreciate those differences. we fought all the time. it was a good thing that we were never in high school at the same time as each other. my older sister looked out for me when i got to high school. let me hang with her and her friends. she was a good and positive influence on me. if jessica had been in high school with me, i highly doubt i would have been as gracious and kind with her as jenn had been with me. i surely wasn't a positive influence on her. even after i got married and was "grown" i wasn't close to her. i still couldn't look past all of our differences. to be honest, i have no idea why i even disliked her so much. why it was so hard to get along with her. because she is probably someone that EVERYONE would get along with and love.
somewhere i started to appreciate her. to see what a wonderful person she was. i saw what everyone else had seen all along. i was just too close to see it. too selfish to see. i can now say that jessica is one of my best friends.
we still are very different people. i love confrontation. she hates it. so much so that she almost pukes when she's around or involved in it. that makes me laugh at her. she's a giving person to everyone. i find myself to be a giving person, but mostly to those that i decide are worthy. she is selfless. i am selfish most of the time. she is loving and open and emotional. she lays it all out there. she is vulnerable.
she has been involved in the boys life from day 1. there almost every day of it. she's seen every first he has had. she has loved him almost as much as i love him.
so now that i have thing 2 it kills me to see her head off when he is only a month old. to know that when she returns he will be a totally different thing. that he will have had so many firsts without his aunt there.
when we are bored and have nothing to do, we call jessica. she comes over and just sits on the couch and watches tv and falls asleep and plays games and just does nothing but sit around with her loser sister. i'm not going to know what to do and who to call next weekend (i have plans this weekend, otherwise it'd be tomorrow).
see. i'm selfish. she is leaving for haiti to help people that desperately need it. she is going to a place with no real showers, no tv, no music, no good food, no real beds, no stores or any other conveniences that we have. she's doing it because that's who she is. that is why we all love her so much.
so i'll sit here and cry over her not being here for me and my kids while i take my hot showers and fatten up on my fattening food and go to the dr when i get sick with a cold. she'll be taking care of hundreds of people that have no dr. available to them.
jessica. you are not letting me down. you are not letting anyone down. you are doing what you have been called to do. you are doing what i could not and probably would not ever do. i know it's not easy for you. i know you have the same emotions i have right now. but we'll be here waiting for you. we'll be posting pictures and emailing and talking about you daily. you haven't let anyone down. you are what is still right in this world. we can't wait for your return. but while you're away, enjoy every minute of it. you have a heart for those people. love them. help them. be there for them the way you have been there for us. we'll be missing you, praying for you, waiting for you. we love you.
i love you.